Saturday, 24 July 2010
The house buying dance goes like this:
Step forward in stately fashion; view a house.
Pause. Think briefly. Request opportunity to have a second viewing whilst in area. Tenants refuse; viewings have a 4-hour window, and it's shut.
Take one step back. Return to starting position, 300 miles away, think some more.
Advance one step, holding skirt, pointing toes daintily. Make offer. Stipulate vacant possession; check tenants made aware of proposed purchase.
Hop, skip, lightly; offer accepted.
Curtsey to all corners, smiling. Ignore absence of partner (buyer of your own house) who remains silent in the wings.
Perform restrained hornpipe, paying particular attention to the part where you put your hand across your forehead, as though looking out to sea, searching for partner.
Step back. Partner still in shadows. Dance remains solo effort. Tenants' notice period ends early October, not September as originally told.
Pause. Draw breath, remembering not to hyperventilate. Keep arms and feet tidily in position; no hand-wringing or looking around frantically for missing partner.
Twirl prettily on the spot for a while. Try not to pull disagreeable faces; endeavour to look cool, collected. Twirling must look easier than it is. Don't wobble.
Partner remains absent. Try not to fret; concentrate on maintaining momentum and grace, smiling determinedly. Take care not to stamp your feet.
Hop, skip, advance in lively polka fashion. Tenants in hurry to vacate house; need to settle in new place before September when child will be in school.
Raise arms, increase tempo, perform small jig on the spot. Hum along with the music.
Advance and fall back, several times, try not to imagine that partner has gone off to dance/buy house elsewhere. Hissed messages from the wings indicate that he is late, that's all. Emulate Joyce: stately as a galleon....
Pause. Hold arms gracefully. Turn toes out. Hold position. Hold....hold... Tenants not moving in a hurry after all; now in their own house-purchase dance. October move seems more likely.
Hold position. Keep smiling. Try not to look demented while smiling. Try not to scream, or hit someone. This bloody dance will end somehow, sometime, and you can take the red shoes off.
Posted by rachel at 22:54