Sunday 28 March 2010

Supplementing your diet: Millie writes for you

Dietary Advisor Millie here, helping bored cats everywhere with their dinner-related problems:

First take the quiz:
  • Bored at the dinner table: could this be you?

  • Sick of your everyday diet? 
  • Tired of dry brown kibble and water? 
  • Find that the endless repetition is getting you down?
  • Not enough treats? 
  • Think that humans don't understand a cat's needs for variety and excitement in her dinners?
  • Finding heavy hints don't work?

  • Can't find interesting substitutes in the larder?
  • Fancy a venture now and then into the world of haute cuisine?

If you can mew "Yes!" to all of these questions, then it's time to take matters into your own paws, and put some zing into your dinners.

1. Go hunting. Organic free range is best, and the fresh air and exercise does you good too.

If this upsets the humans, be discreet - try a picnic outdoors, rather than bringing your catch home to share with the family. 

2. Ready meals are handy too.

A Scotch Egg is always tasty. Crumbs can be messy, so leave what you can't manage on the back step. Humans may step on it, but they won't howl in protest as they did with the fur-wrapped snack.

3. If you can't be bothered with cooked dinners, a raw diet can be healthy and natural. Chicken breasts are easy to find, and go down a treat. They are easily carried through the cat flap and if left half-eaten beside your dish, will help the human realise that her offerings of dull dried kibble compare disappointingly with plump glistening chicken flesh.

Remember: Always wash your paws after handling raw chicken. The taste is too good to waste.

So where do you find such delicacies?

Builders are always a good source of fast food. They keep their supplies in huge containers. These are convenient and easy to navigate; just hop in and have a good look round. You'll be surprised at the range of products they carry.

Students too are remarkably generous; they like to donate their excess food to the discerning cat  - I almost added "and dog" but we know that dogs are definitely not discerning - and are thoughtful enough to ensure we have easy access to the storage container. 

They also make sure they don't leave their gifts outside too close to dustbin-emptying day, because it would be such a waste to see good food thrown away in landfill.  

Remember it's in your paws: restrictive human rules can be worked around. All you need is enterprise, ingenuity, and imagination, and your uninteresting homely diet can become Michelin-starred. You just have to go for it!

Next week: How to look half-starved when visiting other people's houses: delicious new ways of supplementing your diet.


Marcheline said...

Egads. I think I'd prefer the dead mouse in the house to "chicken of unknown provenance" any day. Because there's always the plus-factor of a mouse-free house!


Penny said...

Brilliant post, had a good chortle all the way through! What wonderful posers your cats are!

Maggie Christie said...

I love all your cat photographs too. Highly amusing. Mum's cat brought a live baby rabbit in the other day, possibly a comment on the standard of cuisine. The rabbit was unscathed, if a little bouncy for indoors.

Lesley said...

So funny. I'm glad my doggy girls don't go foraging - the worst they get up to is torturing the odd spider! But that is fun not cuisine.

Lesley x

Rattling On said...

Umm, the scotch eggs can stay on the back step for my money... Pity we can't train them all to scavenge for something useful. ie valuable!

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

I'd be more worried about the Scotch Egg . Before you know it , Millie's going to planning her Masterchef debut .

My Farmhouse Kitchen said...

thanks for stopping by Farmhouse and leaving the kind means alot.

loved seeing your kittys too..i have four so i know how great they are....


Pam said...

Message from Cassie and Sirius: Prawns, that's the thing. (Or, those are the things.)

Message from me: Poor deceased mousie!

Very funny, though.

rogern said...

chicken sashimi, yum. pass the wasabi someone...

Lucille said...

You make me laugh. I once worked on a book called Six Dinner Sid- one of your cats must have been the role model.

Anonymous said...

"'s in your paws"...delightfully funny post Rachel. Love the photo of the bliss of licking paws. My spoilt cats used to get that blissful look with the culinary delights little pots of Petit Miam flavoured yoghurts.Not spoiled much. Nice to finish off after a delectable meal of mouse.Thanks for your recent comment and advice!

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

Wonderful post! And it's all quite true - from a cat's point of view.

Cathy said...

Loved it lol
Have had a few 'presents' left on the doorstep over the years

love those cupcakes said...

The tabby one here recommends a final course of cake. Well, no, she says to leave the cake and just eat the buttercream topping. But be careful not to leave paw prints.

Paddy Paws said...

Dear Millie

Thanks for all the tips, and indeed the rallying call.

I've been laying on my back a lot recently (on top of the back cushion of the sofa, actually - drives the humans mad but gives me good height to view interlopers) and thinking the very same thoughts.

I was so fed up with the sachets, biscuits and square tins of pate stuff combo yesterday that I even tried their celery soup. My advice - don't bother; stick to cleaning the bowl of their morning porridge.

Have you thought of launching your own blog - hunting tips, how to nab the best seat, cat-human psychological warfare for beginners?

Keep us posted. I'm off for my morning survey of the neighbourhood (via the french windows; can't be bothered to use the cat flap this early).

Feline felicitations


mountainear said...

That brought a smile to my face on this grey morning. What enterprising cats you have got.

Agree that dogs are not in the least discerning. It's snack first and yack-up afterwards with them.

Fran Hill said...

Thanks for the tips, Millie. I will let you know tomorrow what the Husband thought of the dead mouse casserole he's getting for tea.

judy in ky said...

Such clever and discerning cats you have. Millie is a star!

Friko said...

these humans are a total waste of space except for when they come in handy with food. Still, they don't really understand our refined taste, do they.

Deborah said...

Very funny, Rachel!! I laughed out loud when I got to the dead mouse - you've got nerves of steel, clearly.
Clever post - great photos. I love the tabby and his/her? white socks.

Catherine said...

Haha! Wonderful post ~ so funny! What a great way to start my day as to have such a good laugh so early in the morning ~ thank you!

silfert said...

I started giggling at the first photo and continued through the rest of the story!

Unknown said...

Ickkk. I'm not sure what's worst, the mouse or the chicken, hmmm no, it's definitely the chicken.

But how pleased that cat looks licking his paws.

agricultural trailers said...

Easily the best post i have read all day. :D

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